God Save Our Chipotles: Residents of the Far North Side Brace for Broadway Upzoning

Upzoning? More Like Dumbzoning!

In a move that has left many residents scratching their heads and clutching their venti Starbucks cups in despair, plans are advancing to rezone a long stretch of Broadway across the far north side. Led by the Department of Planning and Development (DPD), this proposal will upzone Broadway from Montrose Avenue on the south end, all the way to Devon Avenue to the north.

The DPD's Plan: A Cloak and Dagger Approach

DPD Plan

The DPD, in their infinite wisdom, has presented various reasons for this radical change, including increased demand from developers, a need for more housing to keep the area affordable (or at least, as affordable as the far north side gets), and an attempt to grow the local population to support local businesses. Oh, and did we mention that they're planning to create a pedestrian street along Broadway, just like they did in the West Loop?

"I don't want to have to walk to Starbucks!" lamented one concerned citizen, clutching her oversized car keychain. "What about my precious Chipotle? What will become of it?" cried another, tears streaming down her face as she clutched a bag of tortilla chips.

The plan splits the stretch into four zones of density, most of which will be designated B3-5 and C1-5. This means more buildings, more people, and no more drive-thrus or shopping plazas. The DPD is also considering creating an underground park by the tracks, because who needs green space when you can have concrete?

The Concerns of Our Community

Community Concerns

While some might see this as an opportunity for growth and revitalization, many residents are up in arms. "I don't want to have to walk to Starbucks!" lamented one concerned citizen, clutching her oversized car keychain. "What about my precious Chipotle? What will become of it?" cried another, tears streaming down her face as she clutched a bag of tortilla chips.

Final Thoughts

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